i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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