She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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