the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
