i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
