I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
