loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
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