whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Randomize
