Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize