i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
is wine microwaveable?
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
