I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
