4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
