i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
