Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I have fence marks all over my body