the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
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At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
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trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night