I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
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Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.