did you get engaged???
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
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I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
it was like having sex with a tree stump
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
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The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid