I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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