I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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