I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
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