Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
