the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Randomize
