Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
