dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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