Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
