420 ftw
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Randomize
