I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
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