dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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