break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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