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I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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