How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Randomize
