we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
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