It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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