i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Randomize
