I will die if light touches me.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
