You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
