margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
if only i could text you this smell
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
