i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
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