So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
