Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
