Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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