She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Sober January is a disaster.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
not ubering you a puppy
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