this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
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besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
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