my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
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