Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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