just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Randomize
