maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I have already put on my inside pants.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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