A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
