we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
