When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
