my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
