I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
