You're my little dorito
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
