Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize