The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I got inside last night via doggy door
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
