I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Randomize
