you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
