nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
