it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Randomize
