my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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