Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
